Deciphering Feelings
by kotorqueen
Summary: Pre-Kotor oneshot. Malak and the future Exile have a conversation about his feelings for Revan.


Malak looked over at his friend Meetra. She was mindlessly twirling a long blade of grass between her fingers, deep in thought. Her blue eyes danced in the sunlight, her thoughts reflected within them. He noticed the way the sun reflected off of her blonde hair, highlighting the different shades within it. Its length brushing against her chin. She glanced over at him, then met his eyes. She flashed him a smile that said more than she ever could. Her eyes crinkled into half moons, and she inspired feelings of trust for those around her. She was absolutely beautiful, and yet Malak had no feelings for her.

He thought back to the girl who held his heart, who didn't even know her power over him. He thought of her long dark hair, the way it was tied into a braid and how it whipped around when she fought. He thought of her smile, her slightly crooked teeth, the way the corners of her lips rose, and the challenging smirk she displayed whenever she tried to convince him to do something. He thought of the laugh that came with her smile, it was loud but genuine. He thought of her eyes, the way they met his, the desaturated blue-grey that intensified with her emotions. He thought of how he felt when they locked eyes, and wondered what she thought in those moments, how she felt. He thought of her hands, small and delicate, yet capable of destruction. He thought of all the times they compared hand sizes, the brush of the fingertips and meeting of the palms. He thought of her pale skin and thin frame, by no means healthy looking, but delicately beautiful. He dared to think of her collar bones and how her sternum must protrude from her chest. How she might look beneath those Jedi robes and how his hands could wrap around her rib cage, and how soft her skin would feel. How he wanted to kiss her, hold her, and know that she cared just as much as he did. His heart felt heavy when thinking about life without her. He wanted just to talk to her, to make her laugh, to listen to her seemingly endless ramblings. He wanted to fight her, to feel her intensity. He realized in that moment he would be nothing without her, and that he wanted to stay with her, to stay by her side for as long as he could.

His thoughts were stopped when he caught a glimpse of Meetra out of the corner of his eye. He turned his attention towards her.

"Just tell her," she said quietly. He wasn't sure if he heard her words correctly, his mouth quirked slightly. She pushed his shoulder lightly and cracked a smile.

"I can't."

"She's your best friend Mal, I've been around you two for the past ten years. There's something different about you guys. Just tell her."

"I'm not afraid to tell her," he defended.

"I never said you were," she noted. "What are you afraid of?" He looked down at his fingers, and lightly brushed them against the grass.

"I know her potential. She's different from all of us. I don't want to weigh her down or get her kicked out of the order. And besides, Jedi are forbidden to love."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Well, Revan isn't exactly the perfect Jedi. You know her, she doesn't see things as right or wrong. There's shades of gray with her, she's the only one to openly defy the code!"

"That wouldn't stop the Council from banishing her from the Order!"

"And you know as well as I do that Revan believes in what she believes. If she believes in you, she wouldn't give a damn about what the Council thinks!"

"But the dark side," his voice hushed.

"I'm not sure, Mal. I don't think love truly turns one to the dark side. I think it's everything that comes with it, all the emotions - jealousy, anger, and lust. Ultimately it's up to you. All I'm saying is that if you feel so strongly, you should tell her."

"Frack, Meetra. All this is hypothetical! I have no idea how she feels, I'm not even sure if I can trust my feelings."

The blonde merely shrugged her shoulders. He wasn't sure, but he though that he detected a slight smile playing on the corners of her mouth. Malak was more confused than ever.


End file.
